Nibbles & Bits

Small bites from a life revolving around my sweet family, a love of cooking, and all things good.

I'm Ali. Email me at akoper (AT) outloook (DOT) com

I’ve been very open about our decision to consider our family complete with Evan, I think because I process things vocally. While I have no doubt it’s the right decision, I wonder if I’ll ever feel entirely at peace with it. I will always long for the days when our babies were young. The excitement and confidence pregnancy brought, the rush of meeting our children for the first time, the delight in every little thing our babies did as we fell deeper in love with them by the day, the way it’s brought Steve and me even closer. A friend sent me a link to this blog that captures it better than I ever could…tumblr/yahoo hates IE and won’t let me hyperlink - http://sarahbessey.com/learning-live-ache/.

I will forever miss our newborn sons snuggling on my chest, falling asleep while nursing, the way they smelled, the fact that I knew every little thing about them in a way I don’t as they grow older. Even I now, they’re still so magical and sparkly to us and to the world, unlike the awkward tweens they’ll become inevitably.

While I struggle with this, I need certainty. The blogger to whom I linked says “it is likely there are no more babies,” while I say with certainty, there are no more babies. This is in part my nature, I don’t love ambiguity. I like plans and and lists, and I like fulfilling plans and lists. It’s also because, without that, I worry I wouldn’t treasure each phase as much as I hope to. Knowing that Evan’s infancy was my last chance to experience helped. I have so much anxiety about something I enjoy coming to an end, it can be hard.

Tonight’s ramble brought to you by the slight pangs of envy I felt about the two pregnancy announcements in my office today. Oh, to go back and relive it all!

Spring time is the best time!

A “real” photo from the Evan Archives because I needed a palate cleanser after that cell phone picture.
Remembering the days when we’d take him for picnics in the park and he’d lie in one spot the whole time.

A “real” photo from the Evan Archives because I needed a palate cleanser after that cell phone picture.

Remembering the days when we’d take him for picnics in the park and he’d lie in one spot the whole time.

So, okay. I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don’t get cell phone pictures. They can be a bazillion megapixels and they still don’t look like “real” pictures to me. And I can’t figure out how to turn that bottom photo after uploading it from my phone to tumblr.

But, I’m still without my camera and I couldn’t help but capture this afternoon. Cherry blossom petals blowing in a slight breeze, Evan so sweetly following the pigeons to get a closer look. And the pigeons were following his bread crumbs so it wasn’t hard.

Later, Ryan blew countless bubbles for Evan. Both squealed with such joy. Evan overcome by happiness because WHAT ARE THESE MAGICAL ORBS and Ryan delighted by his baby’s delight.

ETA: I figured out how to rotate the pic! But still annoying. I miss my camera!

Everything post-nap today was rough with Ryan. Four is hard and Steve and I both felt drained by his behavior. I vacillate between empathizing with Ryan’s desire to control things and the frustration he must feel at times, and just not getting some of his decisions at all. And then I think I’m over-thinking it…this is just what four year olds do, right?

But, Saturday was wonderful and it was a pretty great weekend on the whole. Both boys are changing so much and it’s really fun to watch. Evan walks more than he crawls, whistles deliberately to mimic a train or when listening to music, and has a deeper love for the pool than before. We took the kids swimming and it was fantastic. Ryan has made so much progress in learning to read. The excitement I feel about that is on par with when he took his first steps. For a while now he’s known letters and the sounds they make, but couldn’t make the leap to words. Buhhh-ahhhh-guhhhh didn’t sound much like “bag” in his head. But now he gets it, he totally gets it, and it’s so fun. Each night he reads a story to us and we read a story (or two) to him.

Except nights like tonight…no stories, straight to bed at 7pm. Ugh.

Little bit of zombie walk from a sunny Saturday morning last week. Sporting a hat to protect the incision from the sun, poor bug. 

Little bit of zombie walk from a sunny Saturday morning last week. Sporting a hat to protect the incision from the sun, poor bug. 

It’s pouring today for what feels like the first time in forever. A perfect day to stay inside and play toys with the boys. I hoped to take pictures of them. I’ve been eager to capture Evan’s zombie walk, in particular. 
Took about two photos, somehow tripped and kind of sort of dropped my camera. I broke it’s fall but it still tapped the ground and now it’s at the repair shop. I’m far less stressed about the potential cost than I am about being without it while Evan’s changing so quickly and I so badly wanted photos of this phase.
Have I mentioned how much I love Fridays, on a happier note? A few months ago I reached my limit with how much I missed the kids and transitioned to an 80% schedule at work. My biggest reason for the change was time with the boys, but even with that one extra day as a pretend stay at home mom, I’m so much more on top of housework, too. It’s so fantastic - 3 days at home with my little loves - cooking, playing in the park, folding laundry while they play, reading stories, and 4 days in heels with grownups solving big business problems. I think this is what people mean by finding balance and I love it.

It’s pouring today for what feels like the first time in forever. A perfect day to stay inside and play toys with the boys. I hoped to take pictures of them. I’ve been eager to capture Evan’s zombie walk, in particular. 

Took about two photos, somehow tripped and kind of sort of dropped my camera. I broke it’s fall but it still tapped the ground and now it’s at the repair shop. I’m far less stressed about the potential cost than I am about being without it while Evan’s changing so quickly and I so badly wanted photos of this phase.

Have I mentioned how much I love Fridays, on a happier note? A few months ago I reached my limit with how much I missed the kids and transitioned to an 80% schedule at work. My biggest reason for the change was time with the boys, but even with that one extra day as a pretend stay at home mom, I’m so much more on top of housework, too. It’s so fantastic - 3 days at home with my little loves - cooking, playing in the park, folding laundry while they play, reading stories, and 4 days in heels with grownups solving big business problems. I think this is what people mean by finding balance and I love it.

A few happy memories of four years with C and the Koper boys.

Happy birthday to the most imaginative, brightest shining, most beloved little girl, sweet Clementine. 

I remember exactly where I was when Krysta told me she was pregnant, and I remember so vividly how overjoyed I was. I’ve loved her ever since that moment, more and more each passing year.

I’m too tired for a real post. Evan has hand foot mouth disease and Steve has jury duty tomorrow, so despite some pressing deadlines I’ll be working from home with a baby/off tomorrow. On the plus side, both kids were so tired that they were in bed by 6:15 so I’ve just gotten some stuff done.

And this morning I found my favorite, missing lipstick in the trench I hadn’t worn since fall.

You win some, you lose some.