I’ve been very open about our decision to consider our family complete with Evan, I think because I process things vocally. While I have no doubt it’s the right decision, I wonder if I’ll ever feel entirely at peace with it. I will always long for the days when our babies were young. The excitement and confidence pregnancy brought, the rush of meeting our children for the first time, the delight in every little thing our babies did as we fell deeper in love with them by the day, the way it’s brought Steve and me even closer. A friend sent me a link to this blog that captures it better than I ever could…tumblr/yahoo hates IE and won’t let me hyperlink - http://sarahbessey.com/learning-live-ache/.
I will forever miss our newborn sons snuggling on my chest, falling asleep while nursing, the way they smelled, the fact that I knew every little thing about them in a way I don’t as they grow older. Even I now, they’re still so magical and sparkly to us and to the world, unlike the awkward tweens they’ll become inevitably.
While I struggle with this, I need certainty. The blogger to whom I linked says “it is likely there are no more babies,” while I say with certainty, there are no more babies. This is in part my nature, I don’t love ambiguity. I like plans and and lists, and I like fulfilling plans and lists. It’s also because, without that, I worry I wouldn’t treasure each phase as much as I hope to. Knowing that Evan’s infancy was my last chance to experience helped. I have so much anxiety about something I enjoy coming to an end, it can be hard.
Tonight’s ramble brought to you by the slight pangs of envy I felt about the two pregnancy announcements in my office today. Oh, to go back and relive it all!